Putin Reveals His Top Five Poisons.
With yet another Russian critic alleging poisoning, the Leader of the Kremlin has released its top five favourite poisons.
1. Novichok. “Novichok is my number one”, said the leader. “It’s perfect if you are visiting another Country’s Cathedrals”.
2. Polonium. “Polonium goes great with tea. Everyone drinks tea, so the chance of the journalist or traitor agreeing to a sip is highly likely. I have the KGB, I mean FSB working on a Kremlin version of chai lattes”.
3. Fentanyl. “Fentanyl is perfect for all those detractors who also like to partake in a little intra-veinous entertainment. Getting off your head could mean your head if you’re an enemy of us”!
4. Ricin. The reason I’ve put Ricin in here is that it’s an old favourite of mine. When the victim is injected with a pellet on the street and thinks it’s an insect bite, that really makes my day. Scratch that when you’re in your coffin, I like to say as I walk in the other direction”!
5. Bullets. “Though technically not poisoning, I have had people shot with so many bullets that at some level they would be toxic to the writer or artist. Bullets are great because they can be administered from a moving car”.